The One With The Proper Break

Have you ever stopped yourself in the middle of taking a 'break' only to realise it isn't a break at all?

That's what happened to me the other day when I had this thought . . .

Oooh, I've got a spare half hour, I'll have a bit of a break.

Immediately followed by this thought . . .

Yes, and during that break I will wash these dishes and make that long overdue appointment.

Can you see what happened there? Please tell me you can see it.

Me taking one of my famous 'breaks'

I basically gaslit myself into thinking that catching up on household chores and admin tasks were acceptable forms of taking a break. Like, almost in the same actual thought. In fact, those two thoughts were SO meshed together that they were barely separable in the absolute rubbish tip that is my brain. They were so fused together they may as well have been announced in the next Strictly line-up as the favourites to win with their hip-swerving rumba or leg-flicking Argentine Tango. I'm surprised I managed to see past the glitter and glitz.

It was just as I was snapping on the Marigolds that I realised what was happening. A voice somewhere deep inside me guffawed (yes, guffawed) and said, 'Erm, no, that's not what a break looks like.'

I stood stock-still in the middle of the kitchen and wondered what a break did look like then, if it didn't involve dirty dishes and call centre queues. Suddenly I was a fish out of water. A child looking for guidance. A student waiting for their teacher to appear.

The same guffawing voice said, 'Abi, you can start by taking the Marigolds off.'

So I did that, and then grabbed the edges of the sink, feeling the cool beam of the stainless steel press against my palms and fingertips. I breathed in deeply through my nose . . . and out through my mouth . . . and instead of berating myself for being an actual mindfulness teacher with no actual idea of what a break was, I suddenly felt the call for that break stronger than the need to know what it was. I felt my way through it. Thoughts weren't much use anymore.

Moments later and I was sitting on our creaky garden swing, in a beam of golden sunshine, eating an ice lolly.

Because why not?

And it was from that spot I wondered what had just happened. And, more importantly, how many times before this had I gaslit myself into thinking I was taking a break when I actually wasn't?

And, if we're going to get really deep and dirty, what was that gaslighting doing to my wellbeing?

If you've ever read any of my other blog posts or books or even follow me on socials, you'll know that I'm all for shining a light on mundanity. Thanks to my love and practice of mindfulness, I am pretty damn good at turning everyday shenanigans into joyous, soul-enriching shenanigans (put that on my tombstone, would you?). Examples might be:

• Listen to a funny podcast whilst cleaning

• Buy yourself flowers on the weekly grocery shop

• Take the prettier route to work

• Sing your favourite songs whilst making dinner

• Inhale the scent of your freshly laundered clothes before folding

It all seems like good sense, right? And totally doable too. I wonder though, if I've made these things a little bit too doable recently. If I'm so good at transforming my many and varied chores into something more enjoyable (or bearable, depending on my mood), that I've stopped taking any breaks at all.

Or worse still: I've stopped realising that I need breaks.

There's something about enduring the peri-menopause too (yep, I said the word and I don't care. I'm owning it), that has sent me careering back to my teenaged years. I've read that that's quite normal, because the hormonal shift we're going through is as momentous as the one we go through as teenagers. Over recent years, I have definitely felt as uncertain, anxious and lost as 14 year-old Abi did. But what that brings with it, is an unspoken, internal expectation that I should still have the energy levels I had in my younger years. That I can stay up all night and see all the people and do all the things.

Hah. That is quite simply not the case.

14year old Abi putting all her energy into that grin

When I fill my diary each week, and squeeze in the job, the kids, the passion projects, the writing, the grocery shop, the cleaning and anything else you want to add to a skint peri-menopausal mother's list, I can see that it all fits quite snugly. Technically, all the things can be done. Technically the energy levels should be fine. After all, I've had busier times in my life and I'm still standing, aren't I?

Well no, I'm not actually. I'm grasping the kitchen sink and breathing for dear life and wondering what's gone so horribly wrong.

A lot of years ago, way before I even entered the land of Parenting (it deserves a capital 'P', right?), I had a crazy year of life-changing events. It was during that year that I first learned about slowing down, living authentically and stepping out of the insane societal pressure to always be productive. That year I shed tears, beliefs and theories like nobody's business. It wasn't a pain-free process and I honestly thought I'd earned my stripes in life. This was it. I was never going back to that way of living.

And, to be fair, I haven't exactly gone back to that way of living. But I have found new ways to hold tension in my muscles. New ways to grasp unhelpful beliefs and tangle myself up in foolish compulsions. New ways to avoid taking breaks.

What's that about?

Luckily the beam of golden sunshine and the Solero ice lolly have brought me to my senses. As sunshine and lollies have been known to do.

I need to take more breaks.

I need to take longer breaks.

I need to take better quality breaks.

I need to take breaks from ALL individual aspects of daily life.

I need to take breaks that won't just 'do nicely', they'll actually make my soul sing.

Or sleep. Or laugh. Or dream. Or something.

My soul definitely needs to be involved.

Whilst I go pop some Solero ice lollies in my Amazon basket, maybe you could ask yourself if you need to up your 'breaks' game. Could you do with a holiday? A jog round the park? A hot bath with candles? I mean, what's the point of reading this post if you don't take something from it? I'd be totally delighted if that thing you took was a Proper Break.

And whilst we're on the topic, I hope you can feel the genuine gratitude shining from my chest right now. As I type these very words, my heart is saying a gargantuan 'Thank You' for reading them. Because you, my dearest one, are at the other end of a Proper Break for me. Instead of dissolving into tears on my bedroom floor (I've had a pretty hard day and tears on the bedroom floor would be entirely valid right now), I'm here, at my desk, writing this blog post for you.

Because writing has always been a Proper Break for me. And having you to write for, really elevates it to the next level. It makes it a Proper Proper Break. It gives it all the glitter and all the glitz and Strictly would be well jel. Honest, it would.

Now go, spread the word.

Go well,

Abi

xxx

NOTE:

I'm now an Amazon Affiliate which means I can help fund my blog and socials content when people click through one of my links to buy a product from Amazon. If you'd like to buy any of the items mentioned in my post, I'd be over the moon if you could use the links below. Thank you, beauties.

Solero Ice Lollies: https://amzn.to/4douvsV (Amazon)

Good old Marigolds: https://amzn.to/3X26pyi (Amazon)

Perimenopuase Supplements: https://amzn.to/3yPmQop (Amazon)

Candles to go with a hot bath: https://amzn.to/4dnhkZn (Amazon)

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