The One with the Spine-tingling Score

I've never been good with numbers but even so, for it to take me five whole months to realise what year I was in is pretty shameful to admit.

But admitting it I am. Here. On my blog. As seems to be my way.

So yeah, it's 2026, right? The first thing I realised during a bit of pillow talk the other night, is that it's twenty years this year since I met my husband. My hot, infuriating, Turkish delight of a husband. So at least I got things in the right order.

I mean, we were BABIES!

Mere seconds after that realisation, it suddenly clicked that if I met my husband twenty years ago, then that means I also had the most pivotal year of my LIFE twenty years ago. And no, as much as he is hot and infuriating and a delight, it wasn't all because of him.

If you've read my uplifting series of novels, the Life is Yours series, then you might know what I'm going on about. They are set in 2006 and are, as I explain at the beginning of each book, inspired by my own lived experience. I wouldn't go as far as to say they are memoirs, but let's just say names had to be changed. Or who knows what might have kicked off?

Warning: once you're in, you're in

I'm guessing we've all had them. A phase in our life when change comes barrelling in uninvited. A job loss. A house move. A diagnosis. An accident. New life. End of life. People leaving. People arriving. And quite often it's not just one thing - it's a heady cocktail of many. For me, that was 2006.

You might be thinking, "Come on, Abi, haven't you had any other life changes for twenty years? In 2006, did you somehow discover a magical barrier to protect against the shit life throws at us all?"

Alas, no magical barrier and yes, I am equally shit-covered, but in 2006, it was the changes on the inside that really mattered.

It all started when the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with walked out of the door. He literally made the announcement during a night out at the pub that he probably didn't love me anymore and the next day he was pretty much gone. Then began a horrifying domino rally of changes: our business started going under, I lost whole sets of friends, money got scary, the dog cried a lot, I forgot how to eat - you can imagine the rest.

Heartbreak is one of those unifying things, isn't it? We've all been there in one form or another. It's hard to describe the unrelenting sorrow, the excruciating bite of rejection, the binding squeeze of shame. But when we see it in another person, we know it. Even if we wish we didn't.

2006 wasn't all bad though - in fact, that's why I wrote about it. It was a maddeningly paradoxical year of grief and joy, terror and peace, confusion and understanding. It was exhausting, yes, but it was also an incredibly life-affirming time as I stepped away from my business, jetted off to Turkey with my best friend, got a ridiculous haircut (obvs) and discovered new and exciting friendships.

At least I won 2006 Grand National pub sweepstakes

Teetering on the edges of these experiences, were not-so-subtle invitations from the universe for me to go deeper, feel harder, be braver. So I did. I did that a lot. I said yes to things I would have previously ran a mile from. I said no to things that didn't serve this new and enlightened version of me. Turkey had a lot to do with it. The now husband had a lot to do with it. But it was mostly just little old me.

And the most epiphanic thing that happened?

I started to write.

With vigour and commitment and tenacity and love. I started to write.

Look at me go!

So what now? One husband, two kids, three baby losses, nine house moves, two overdrafts, three countries, four jobs, five novels, countless wrinkles and twenty years later, what's actually happening?

Well, I guess this is why I wanted to write this post. Twenty years feels like a suitably impressive amount of time that something should be happening to mark this occasion. Perhaps I throw a party? Do an author event? Buy myself some flowers?

As it happens, though, I don't need to do any of that. I mean, I could, but there's enough going on this year for me to think the universe, in its own way, is celebrating too. Let's look at the facts:

I mean, he's rock star material, right?

My giant nearly EIGHTEEN year old son, is going to university far, far away to pursue his dream of becoming a rock star. So that, right there is some of that paradoxical shit I was talking about earlier because I'm feeling all kinds of dread and grief alongside total joy and pride. Fun times.

I'll miss these beautiful people

After nearly a decade of working in the perinatal mental health sector, I'm about to walk away from it (and its AMAZING people) into a huge chasm of nothingness - all my own doing and I'm equal parts excited and terrified.

LinkedIn alert!

For the first time since motherhood began (the aforementioned 18 years), I'm about to jump full time into the work that makes my heart sing - writing, painting and celebrancy. I have no safety net. No contracts. But I have my heart and - hopefully - the universe too

---

I can't help thinking that it's not an accident that this is happening twenty years on from the 'Life is Yours' maelstrom. I mean, I wasn't re-trusting myself all over again with my creativity nine years ago, was I? Or thirteen and a half years ago? No - it had to be twenty. A nice, round number. A score, if you will. A bold, glittering and spine-tingling score.

Did I plan this 'score' (I hope, by now you're appreciating my genius use of the double entendre)? Did I heck. Like I said, I only realised it the other day. I mean, we're nearly halfway into the year now, the universe must have been like, 'When is she going to stumble out of her perimenopausal brain fog and wise up that she's changing her life like she did twenty years ago? Flipping heck, it's not like I haven't got other people to attend to.'

So yeah, sorry about that, Universe. But you know that numbers have never been my thing. I'm all about the feelings and the instinct and the intuition. These things take time, you know. Sometimes even twenty years.

Obligatory motivational jumper pic

I'll keep you posted.

Go well,

Abi

xxx

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